Interdimensional Munchkinology 101
by Fourth Pear
Summary: A self-indulgent SI fic in which a normal young man finds a pair of magic scissors. What comes after is a tale of pulling the omniverse's shirt over its head and beating it for its lunch money. Lemon chapters will be indicated in titles. Can also be found on Questionable Questing.
1. Chapter 1 - Hekapoo Dropped Something

Disclaimer: All fictional works belong to their respective creators and licensed distributors. I own nothing.

* * *

Well...this was not how I expected this day to go.

I stared down at my kitchen table, or rather, the two _halves_ of my kitchen table.

Oh, what's that? 'Did you accidentally sit on it?', you ask?

No, no I did not. Prick.

What happened was...I was cutting a coupon out of the morning paper, and accidentally sliced my table in two.

Thats right, three inches by four feet of solid oak, sliced like butter by a pair of antique scissors I had found on the side of the road, like, ten years ago when I was still in elementary school.

Spoiler

Why did I pick up a pair of scissors from the street? Why did I keep such a piece of junk?

Well, as a side bar, I have always been something of a pack rat. Whenever I see something shiny or even moderately valuable, I keep it. Its unfortunate, but sometimes I think I resemble a Magpie more than a Man.

...Actually, no. Dragon. I definitely resemble a Dragon. I will fight anyone who says otherwise.

That, my friends, is why I kept those scissors despite them being a literal piece of garbage. Despite their age, they looked nice, and I figured at the very least I would be able to sell them to an antiques dealer one day. Sort of like an Antiques Roadshow situation. That is also why I placed them in the back of my drawer and forgot about them for literal years, until that is, I found myself needing some scissors and couldn't find any.

As you may have guessed, I was not expecting them to slip and slice through not only the coupon I had intended to cut but also the table. The whole table. Length and width.

...Do I have mystic eyes of Death Perception?! Am I Shiki? Will I go to sleep tonight and have dreams about banging Arcueid in a past life!? Please God say yes!

But alas, it is not to be, for I see no lines in the world around me. Occam's Razor states that the simplest solution is probably the right one, and since the table was relatively new and in great condition, the most likely solution is that my scissors are magic.

...I never thought I would say those words. Much less that they would make sense.

But never mind that, HOLY SHIT MAGIC IS REAL AND I HAVE A REAL MAGIC ITEM! Haha, take that bitches! My average everyday life is over! High stakes action! Mystical intrigue! WAIFUS! All that and more is now at my fingertips!

I'm so excited my body is shaking!

No no, calm down. If magic is real then that means as a total newb, I'm at the bottom of the pecking order. Instead of being a Rin, I'm more like a Shirou. Or, oh God, a _Shinji_!

The only thing I have going for me right now is a pair of scissors that can potentially cut through anything. Or at the very least, wood. Please cut through more than wood. That would suck balls.

That means it's time to Science! and see what the limits of my kickass magic scissors are. A steel knife from my kitchen drawer and a small diamond from some old jewelry. Both are grabbed, both are cut in twain as if they don't even exist.

...Hell Yes!

Okay, that means that my scissors are completely badass and awesome, but I still don't know how to really _use_ them.

Time to fix that.


	2. Chapter 2 - LARPing With Scissors

Disclaimer: All fictional works belong to their respective creators and licensed distributors. I own nothing.

* * *

There are woods in the back of my house that are remote and undisturbed. I could film an entire kung-fu action movie back here, with pyrotechnics and everything, and nobody would ever know unless I told them. Seriously, people wonder why so many murderers get away with it, but there are millions of little spots like this all over the country. Bury a body deep enough and _nobody_ will find it. Thankfully, I have no personal experience in such matters and never intend to.

Instead, I will use this potential murder forest to practice with my awesome magic powers. Yay alternatives!

So, how do I fight with scissors?

Well, first off, small blades like these should probably be used the way knives are. Fast darting blows. Blocking with such a small weapon probably isn't the best idea, but unless there are magic weapons that can withstand my scissors then I should be able to use them to cut through my foes' weapons and armor to land surprise blows.

With that in mind, I grip my blades tight and begin to move. I swing, duck, bob and weave. I practice 'snipping' at imaginary foes and obstacles as I slice through the empty air. When I feel that I've found my rhythm, I dash at a nearby tree and put myself to my first real test. Running past it, I snip at the trunk. The blades carve a small groove through the wood like butter, and when the two edges meet with a metallic 'clink', the cut magically extends past the groove and cuts through the entire trunk.

Hm, it seems the scissors can only cut something bigger than them when they complete the action of 'cutting' and close. Perhaps it's a conceptual attack? They activate fully upon closing and cut the concept of 'this tree' or 'this table', allowing them to slice through something far larger than their physical area? Something to practice.

I step out of the way and allow the tree to come crashing down behind me. It's no massive explosion, but refusing to look at it while walking away still feels really cool.

...hot damn I feel alive.

"Ha Ha! Take that you dastardly villain!"

Is it a little lame to basically LARP by myself in the woods? Most definitely.

Do I care? Not one bit. Fuck you guys, I have magic.

I slash and stab at the empty air. "Oh, ho? You want more? Have at thee!"

Man, these things are so awesome! Hell, I could probably fight a dragon with them!

"Eat a dick Smau-!"

*Snip!*

There is a flash of light, space tears open where my blades pass through, a swirling portal is opened in the empty air. On the other side, an eye the size of my torso twitches slightly, before settling down into slumber once more.

I look at my scissors, look at the portal, look at _goddamn Smaug_!

It snores in its sleep.

I scream.

...It was a manly scream.

In a panic, I grab the edges of the portal and pull it closed like curtains.

Then I fall on my ass and try not to have a heart attack.

Holy shit, I almost got eaten by a dragon!

...HOLY SHIT, _DIMENSIONAL SCISSORS_!

That's why they can cut through 'anything', they actually cut through dimensions and _that_ cuts the target!

That means they probably _can_ cut through anything so long as what I'm cutting doesn't have its own dimensional fuckery!

...I need to try something.

Running back into my house, I take the pieces of the knife and the diamond I cut before. Then I press the cut edges together and put them back in one piece, whole and unblemished.

Oh, this has promise.


	3. Chapter 3 - Fuck Ash Ketchum

Disclaimer: All fictional works belong to their respective creators and licensed distributors. I own nothing.

* * *

So, now I have a few more tests to run.

Just swinging the scissors through the air doesn't do anything, which probably means that I have to think of where I want to open a portal to. However, the real question is, will it open a portal to _exactly_ where I want or just an approximate?

First, I think of some place I know down to the last detail. I decide to go with the laundry room in my house. I picture the scene in my head and

*Snip!*

-open a portal in mid air. Stepping through, I find myself next to my dryer. I then take a clean shirt and throw it through the portal. I close it, and walk back to my kitchen. The shirt is there when I get back.

After taking a second to put my table back together (I had sort of forgot in all the excitement), I continue with my tests.

Next, I decide to try something a little more exotic. I pick a place I would never be able to reach through normal means, another world. I decide to choose somewhere that won't kill me immediately, and a few choices come to mind. I then pick a scene that I can picture perfectly, one that can truly be considered iconic.

*Snip!*

I step through the portal and find myself in Professor Oak's Laboratory.

More importantly, I find myself coming face to face with a shocked Samuel Oak, Ash Ketchum (or Satoshi, I guess), and Pikachu.

...huh.

Panicking, I do the first thing that comes to mind.

I punch the little moron in the face and jump back through.

Seriously, fuck Ash.

I close the portal quickly, the others too shocked to react (well, Oak and Ash are shocked, Pikachu is rolling on the floor laughing his little poké-ass off).

Breathing a sigh of relief, I take a seat and go into the classic "Gendo Pose" (™). This...this has implications.

A lot of people don't realize that our sense of Time is subjective, and that Time itself is a type of dimension. When you can jump from point A to point Z while completely ignoring all the points in between, Time becomes a relative concept.

I decide to test my theory.

I picture the laboratory in my head, the same as before.

*Snip!*

I don't step through, but I do peer out into the other side where I see the same exact scene as before, Oak introducing Ash and Pikachu. Once again, all three of them are shocked at the glowing portal appearing in mid air. More importantly, Ash shows no sign of what should have developed into a real shiner of a bruise by now.

I close the portal.

*Snip!*

And then I open a new one, again I see the laboratory, only from the other side of the room. From my vantage point, I watch as 'Past Me' punches Ash Ketchum in his stupid face. I close the portal before I am noticed.

*Snip!*

One final portal opens, and I watch as Ash (again, completely unbruised) walks off into the "sunset" to start his pokemon adventure.

I take a breath.

"Heh…"

And then I start to laugh.

"Heh! Hehehe! Mwahahaha!"

Part of me is laughing at the insanity of the situation. The rest is laughing about how I just proved Multiverse Theory, but would need to reveal the existence of magic to show my findings.

Also, have a degree. Because academia is full of dicks like that.

Scissors that cut through anything are nice, but this? Oh, this is a completely different beast. With power like this at my fingertips, the world (all worlds) is my bitch.

And I'm coming for it.


	4. Chapter 4 - A Dog Is Man's Best Friend

Disclaimer: All fictional works belong to their respective creators and licensed distributors. I own nothing.

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There are ways to gain great power. Schools of martial arts that can turn your body into a living weapon, academies where you can learn spells with which to change the universe itself.  
With enough time and effort, anyone can become a great warrior with the right resources.

However, if you can be at the right place and time, you can attain equal or even greater power in a mere instant.

I can be at those places and times at will. More than that, I _know_ exactly where and when they are. With my scissors, I can easily appear behind a young Eneru and bash him over the head before he can eat the Goro-Goro no Mi. I can jump in front of a Stand Granting Arrow meant for someone else, and I can bypass entire cities of elaborate traps to steal artifacts of great power.

In fact, I could do all of those things within five minutes of each other and more.

Hell, I just might.

For now however, I am aiming at something far less difficult to obtain, while paradoxically being far more valuable. Something I have wanted for years. Ever since I first saw it on saturday morning TV when I was a child. A completely undefended mystical artifact, one which could grant its wielder succor from mankind's greatest foe.

Mortality.

*Snip!*

I step through the portal into a sunny field in the Netherlands. The wind is strong, which is probably why this area is windmill country. One of these buildings is my target.

In a few weeks or months, an archaeologist and a Japanese gangster would come here for the same prize I intended to take. However, unlike them I did not need to dig through mountains of ancient documents or wait for a mystic to divine its location. I came from a place outside of Time and Space (relative to this world), and I had foreseen where they would eventually find the artifact I now seek.

Heh, the best part is that, technically, I could be considered a seer in the worlds I will be visiting. That is a card I will have no little amount of fun playing.

I walk into the windmill in front of me. Nobody stops me. In fact, there is no one around for miles.

Unobstructed, I walk up the stairs to the top of the building, a room which houses the upper mechanism of the mill. I then take the kitchen knife I had been using all morning and begin breaking up the mud brick walls. I think this building was built with a mixture of clay, straw, and some other stuff. Sturdy enough to survive at least a few centuries, but nothing I can't dig into with enough time and determination. I don't remember exactly where my prize lies, but there is no one here to stop me, and to tell you the truth I'm just so excited that I don't mind letting my anticipation build.

Seriously, I think I could start mastrurbating to this if I didn't need both hands.

It takes some time, but finally

*Clink!*

-I find what I've been looking for.

With shaking fingers, I clear away dust and plaster. Then, I pry the ancient treasure from the wall.

The Dog Talisman, an ancient Chinese artifact which grants the wielder youthful vitality and, more importantly, immortality. I don't think this would protect me from something like having my soul ripped out, but as long as the talisman itself remains unbroken and in my possession I will never grow old or die. In fact, I don't even know if it's possible for me to even get _wounded_ anymore. In the show, _Jackie Chan Adventures_ , Uncle gets thrown through a wall and buried under rubble, yet digs himself out without a scratch.

Either way, with this the almost universal fear of death held by humanity has been conquered. Now I just need to keep it that way.

To do so, I have two new goals. First, at some point I will need to collect the other eleven Talismans of Shendu. Even if I don't use them (which I will because most of them are pure concentrated awesome), I need to keep them out of the hands of some sorcerer so that they can't be used to track me down or fuck with the other talismans' magic. I love Uncle, but he and Daolong Wong can both go suck a bag of dicks. Shendu too.

Second, I need to find a way to make them even harder to physically destroy. The magic itself is all but indestructible, but the talisman is just very hard rock. Difficult to break, but not impossible.

I can think of a few ways to do this, but only one is immediately accessible. Thankfully, it will also give me superpowers of my own.

Double dipping isn't always a bad thing. Well, not for the dipp _er_ , at least. 


	5. Chapter 5 - That's So Raven!

Disclaimer: All fictional works belong to their respective creators and licensed distributors. I own nothing.

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*Snip!*

I step through the portal and take in my first 'live action' view of Remnant's shattered moon. In a haunting way, it is beautiful.

...I didn't notice before, but stepping into an 'animated' world is _weird_.

To my eyes, everything appears normal, despite being an alien caricature of the type of world I come from. Have I changed to suite this new world? No one is screaming or clawing their eyes out at the sight of me, so that's something. Perhaps the world itself has changed my nature to suite it? Like _Kingdom Hearts II_ , I get a different 'skin' in order to obey the rules of the new universe I find myself in?

An interesting mechanic, and one that benefits me greatly. It would suck to have to disguise myself every time I wanted to interact with people.

The night air in Vale is cool and fresh. It smells cleaner than almost anywhere I have ever been, even though I am currently in the middle of one of this planet' largest cities. I guess that's what happens when ancient murder demons routinely fuck your shit.

I hear the music of the club even from a block away, and it doesn't take me long to reach Junior's. The bouncer looks me over disapprovingly as I approach, my outfit not exactly great for clubbing, but says nothing when I move away from the entrance and begin to wait by the parking lot.

After all, I don't intend to patronize Hie-Xiong's establishment tonight, so I really don't give a rat's ass what I look like.

Originally, I had wanted to go to Ozpin and fork over everything I knew in exchange for having my aura awakened. However, as I was planning how to approach him I realized that it was a completely fucking stupid idea. Not only do I not know who Ozpin really is or what his true motivations are beyond drop kicking Salem, but I would also be accusing one of his closest associates while also having to prove that _I'm_ not a spy. Something which would basically be impossible since, you know, I'm a completely normal guy who doesn't have +infinity charisma like Kamina.

Then, I thought of going to Qrow, but I doubt he'd give me the time of day. Phyrra was an option, but the only way she would agree to it would be if I approached her as if she were just a huntress in training and not, well, _her_. However, there was a good chance doing so would basically NTR Jaune. Unless the guy in question is a complete piece of shit who doesn't deserve her, NTR-ing a girl is a level of depravity I refuse to sink to. Some things are just sacred.

...Though I suppose exceptions could be made if the act of NTR-ing her away saves the girl from more harm than the relationship can possibly compensate for.

Regardless, any of those options would lead to people asking difficult questions like 'why are you just doing this now?' and 'why don't you ask your teacher or family?'. Questions I don't exactly have a satisfactory answer for beyond, 'I heard having aura was cool'.

In other words, in order to do this as simply as possible, I need to approach this from a position of power. I need to offer the other person something more valuable to them than awakening my aura.

I came to Junior's club because the only person I had anything like that for would be here tonight.

Ten minutes later, I hear Bumblebee's motor and look up from playing Solitaire on my phone.

Yang Xiao-Long arrives in all her perky, bouncy, glory. Whipping her hair dramatically to avoid helmet-head. Honestly, no girl should be allowed to be that hot, not that I'm complaining.

She struts past me, a woman on a mission. I'm no Lothario, but even I can read the way she moves. Yang is hot as lava, and she knows it.

"Hey blondie!"

She looks my way, obviously not impressed by what she sees.

Meh, I'm cool with that.

I'm not unattractive, in fact _I_ think I'm pretty good looking, but to a huntress I probably look cripplingly out of shape and unappealing. She most likely expects a creepy come on. Maybe another time, tonight I'm here on business.

"I sense that you're here for information."

She blinks at me incredulously before bursting into laughter.

"Hahahaha! What are you supposed to be, a psychic!?"

I smirk. "Raven Branwen."

She stops laughing.

"You-where the hell did you hear that name?" She hisses at me, gripping my collar.

Oh hoh, it appears someone's mommy never taught them how to say please. Out of all the main cast of RWBY, Yang only comes behind Blake in terms of likeliness to get violent with me in this situation. However, unfortunately for her, to me she is nothing but a spoiled toddler with a nice rack. Could she hurt me? Of course. Could she kill me? Not with the Dog Talismen, though I doubt she would stoop that low.

That is, of course, if I intended to let the situation deteriorate that far in the first place. Let's start by making sure she knows what her situation is.

"Get your hands off me or I won't tell you shit. You're a huntress trainee, I'm a law abiding citizen, and were _both_ surrounded by witnesses. Play nice before you end the night in a cell."

Yang growls at me as if I personally insulted her, but looks around and sees a small crowd already filming us on their scrolls. Heh, ain't mob justice a bitch?

She releases me with a huff. "Talk. Now."

I smile warmly at her, knowing that I'm just pissing her off. "Not here, there's an alley across the street. This isn't a conversation either of us wants to have in public."

For a moment, she worries her lip as if she is about to argue, but ultimately relents.

"Fine."

We cross the street into the alley and move all the way to the brick wall at the other end, the crowd already dispersing when it became obvious we weren't about to come to blows. Neither of us wanted to take any chances of eavesdroppers though.

"Alright, _now_ talk. How do you know about my mother?"

I smirk at her. "You already guessed how Ms. Xiao-Long. I'm psychic. To be more exact, I can see the future and the past as if I were there. Unfortunately, I'm too inexperienced with my ability to see what I want at will. As I am now, I can only see bits and pieces surrounding a few people who will become important in the future. You and your family are some of those people, which is how I know about your mother."

She looks at me skeptically. "Riiight. Prove it."

"How about I tell you about the time you went off into the woods in search of Raven and almost got Ruby killed."

She chokes in shock, paling as it becomes apparent that _yes_ , I am telling the truth.

"I-how...okay, psychic. What do you know about my mother then? Where is she?"

I smirk viciously. Hook, line and sinker. "Ah ah ah, I'm not running a charity. I have something you want, and in return, you have to give me what I want."

For a second she looks stunned. Then she flushes red and _glares_ at me. "I don't want to know about her _that_ bad you pervert!"

...Alright, I can see how she might have gotten that idea. I haven't been sunshine and rainbows tonight, and a pretty girl like her has to be constantly on guard even with superpowers. However, knowing that intellectually doesn't stop me from getting pissed off. Also, I think that I have been uncomfortably aggressive with every formerly fictional person I have met. Meh, something for another time. Right now is Rage Time.

"First off, get over yourself you narcissistic bitch. You're not even in the top ten hottest women I've ever seen. Second, that wasn't even what I was going to ask for, but now I'm so pissed off I have half a mind to demand a blowjob too just to spite you! What I wanted was for you to unlock my aura. I'm psychic, it's not a semblance you moron!"

Yang is now as red as a cherry, and I have no idea if she is angry, embarrassed, or both. Honestly, I'm too tired of this shit to give a fuck.

Instead of starting a pointless fight though, she deflates and glares petulantly at me. Is she pouting? Get it together girl, you're seventeen.

"Just tell me what you know."

"I'll tell you everything. Just unlock my aura first before you piss me off so much I have a rage induced aneurysm and get amnesia. Seriously, at this point having a healing factor might be the only thing that saves the info you want."

Yang huffs in irritation, but lays her glowing magic spirit fingers upon me and starts to chant. I've honestly always wondered if it is a single aria, or if everybody has their own personal words. Unfortunately, I'm so annoyed that I don't even pay attention to a word she says. For all I know she's insulting me as she jump starts my soul, in fact, knowing Yang she probably is. If I develop a soul deep love for bad puns, I will burn this city to the ground.

"There, you are now barely competent. Talk."

Honestly, I was a little worried that wouldn't work. Thankfully, it appears that I _do_ in fact have a soul.

...dammit, I just proved something incredible through magic _again_!

"Sure," I agree, "I want to finish and leave just as much as you do. Let me start by saying that, If I learn anything new in the future, I'll be sure to mail you a letter or something. You may piss me off, but I know the value of doing a job right. Also, your Uncle Qrow probably knows most of this already, so you can easily double check with him. As a plus, revealing you already know this stuff will probably make him be more honest with you in the future."

"Wait, wha-"

"Raven fucked your dad because she is obsessed with strength, and team STRQ was the strongest of their generation. Plus, Qrow is her twin and she finds him too annoying to bone. However, both Taiyang and you are decent human beings and as such are capable of things like kindness and compassion. Being a complete psychopath, Raven views these as weakness inherent in your beings and abandoned you. Instead, she returned to the bandit tribe she and Qrow were born into to spend her life raping and pillaging beyond the four kingdoms. As a side note, their MO is to leave their prey to the Grimm when they're done, insuring that no one lives to report them. Because they are sociopathic dicks. However, Raven may still feel some sense of obligation to you, as she uses her completely broken semblance to keep an eye on you through dimensional portals. She intends to save your life _once_ if you ever need it."

By this point, Yang looks like she's been hit in the face with a shovel, wobbling unsteadily as if she is about to faint. To be fair, I'm pretty sure that is the standard reaction to hearing news like that.

"So, what you're saying is that my mom is crazy and is stalking me?"

"Yes."

"Do you think she'll care about you telling me this?"

"...what."

"Well yeah," Yang says with _way_ too much clarity for someone who was about to pass out a second ago, "didn't you say she is always watching me with portals or something?"

...shit.

I don't even try dodging, blocking, or any of that shit. I'm not skilled or powerful enough to do jack against someone like Raven. I already know it's coming. Instead I make sure to grab my scissors.

Something hits my nascent aura and shatters it like glass. For a moment, I am cut in half. Before the blood can even fly, the Dog Talisman does... _something_ and I am whole and undamaged, only alive because I had the caution to strap the artifact to my inner thigh.

I knew intellectually that the Dog Talisman does not dull pain, but I was not prepared to be bisected tonight. The only reason I'm not in shock is because the injury disappeared half a second after the pain even registered, and the adrenaline takes care of the rest.

I hit the ground and do an awkward roll past Yang who yelps in shock, but impressively takes up a guard position between us. Despite her implicit support, I don't give Raven a chance to cut me again.

*Snip!*

A hole opens up in mid air, I spin on my heel as I fall back into it. I see Raven Branwen already past Yang and in mid-swing at where I should be, and know that her eyes are wide behind her mask.

I flip her off as I close the portal.

Then I throw up, and quietly freak out about how close I just came to violent death.

One day, I'll have revenge for that little shit show. For today, I think I need to practice with my aura and get those other talismans.

* * *

A.N.: I thought of having Yang not let me finish, just be like 'sure', and start blowing me. But that seemed out of character for her even though she is a huge flirt. Though Raven probably would have watched and let it happen, both because that seems like something she would get off on and because she seems like the type to teach by allowing children to make mistakes.


	6. Chapter 6 - Talisman Hunting, Ho!

Disclaimer: All fictional works belong to their respective creators and licensed distributors. I own nothing.

* * *

*Snip!*

The first (second) talisman I target is the Pig. Granting thermal vision and the ability to shoot optical lasers a lá Superman. In other words, perfect for combat and stealth missions both.

In story, a German confectioner had discovered the talisman years ago and used it to create chocolate so superior to his competitors that he basically cornered the market.

Today, his company is so large that they make more chocolate than the Pig Talisman's eye beams could possibly handle. The factory uses blast furnaces instead, and the talisman is embedded in a statue of the company's mascot, which in turn resides in a giant cuckoo-clock-tower at the company headquarters.

Luckily, when the clock isn't marking the hour the statue remains inside and in easy access. It takes me a second to reach up and pry the talisman loose before I'm off to my next target.

Within the same German state, Bavaria, the ancient castle of the Mad King Ludwig holds the next talisman.

*Snip!*

I open a portal into a dark room, using the Pig's Thermal vision I make my way over to the walls. Feeling around blindly, I soon feel a torch which I then light with the freaking laser beams that now come out of my eyes.

With a source of light I can finally see the room, and even with most of it in the dark I can still see huge piles of shining metal.

Gold, for the most part.

It's not hard at all to find the other torches now, and soon I have an unobstructed view of a huge room filled with treasure.

The Rooster Talisman is embedded in a shield on the floor of the large treasure room, tossed aside af if it _isn't_ the most valuable thing in here. I take it, and have to hold in a very unmanly 'squee' of joy. The Rooster possesses the powers of Levitation and Telekinesis, with it I can now fly and lift things with my mind. This will make taking the other talismans far easier.

Plus its super cool.

In addition, while all the gold is _definitely_ coming with me, I specifically remember the building being booby trapped. Thankfully, I now have ways around that.

Taking the Rooster in one hand with the Pig in my other, I begin practicing with both artifacts by taking the castle apart piece by piece. Though really, I'm just opening up this room in particular in order to brute force disarming the traps.

Searing blasts of magical energy lance out from my eyes, wild streams of fire chewing up stone in moments. A mental sort of _twitch_ activates the Rooster Talisman and lifts the huge chunks of stone my eyes cut away. Usually, the weight a person can lift with the Rooster as well as the speeds they can lift it _at_ are dependent on the user's willpower and strength. A child may only be able to lift a few hundred pounds while a reasonably fit adult can lift several tonnes. However, having my aura unlocked and active automatically elevates me to superhuman levels, even if I'm not that impressive by most supernatural standards. In other words, while I am still unpracticed, my newfound telepathy can easily handle these boulders.

Eventually, I have an unobstructed view of the open sky and countryside.

*Snip!*

I open a portal to that clearing out behind my house.

Taking a moment to use the Rooster to fix that tree I had cut down, I excavate a large pit the size of an in ground swimming pool. I then begin lifting large piles of treasure and bringing it through the portal.

It takes me almost an hour of mental concentration, but I soon have millions in gold, jewels, and ancient artefacts moved to my side of the portal. When I'm done I use the Rooster to bury it until I can move it somewhere safer at a later date.

I step back through the portal and close it behind me. Then I take some time to put the ruin back together, though I currently can't do a thing about the scorch marks.

...okay, I think I need to take a little break. I feel like I'm really getting the hang of using the Rooster and Pig now, but that was a _lot_ of mental exercise.

*Snip!*

I open a small portal to my kitchen and grab a drink from the fridge. Fifteen minutes should be more than enough, then it's back to work.

…

Whew! Alright, all better.

*Snip!* *Snip!*

Two separate portals to two separate underground caverns are opened. The Talismans within unguarded and in plane view, even if in inconvenient places. In fact, I don't even have to step through at all.

The Snake and Dragon Talismans are telekinetically pried loose and pulled into my hands, without me having to physically enter their locations.

...I have come to two startling realizations: a) a lot of these talismans seem to be embedded in things, and b) the Rooster is quickly becoming my favorite talisman to play with.

The Snake grants it's user Invisibility, while the Dragon possesses the power of Combustion. In essence, it allows its user to shoot giant honking fire blasts. Eat your heart out Zuko.

However, it is a power I can't use freely without a lot of practice. The blasts grow in power based on the user's emotional state, and they are extremely deadly. If I'm not careful, it would be all too easy to destroy a talisman or kill someone I actually like on accident.

*Snip!*

Finally, I open a portal into an ancient Aztec ziggurat. Bypassing an entire temple of traps completely, I enter a room where a statue of a bull holds a place of honor. Walking forwards, I put my fingers up the statue's nostrils (fuck my life) and press the hidden switch necessary to open its mouth and reveal the Ox Talisman.

The Ox grant's its user superhuman strength, allowing them to easily lift several tonnes in each hand.

I now own half of the Talismans of Shendu. There are six left, but unfortunately the easy part is over.

Of those that remain; one is underwater, one is in the North Pole, one already has a user and will be difficult to capture, two will be in specific places at specific times (most likely with others in pursuit), and the last is the most troublesome of all.

The Rat Talisman can animate inanimate objects. I don't think the show ever revealed where it was before the cast found it, and I can't find anything that refutes that on the internet, which means I can't preemptively take it like most of the others.

In addition, and most troublesome of all, the Rat Talisman can resurrect Shendu from his stony prison. Even without the powers of the other eleven talismans, Shendu is still an ancient dragon/demon sorcerer the size of a small house with an army of shadow ninja.

Shendu also has tracking the talismans down to a science due to the fact that he was the one who stole their magic from its rightful owners in the first place. In fact, if he wasn't forced to rely on bumbling incompetents he probably would have ended the show in an episode or two.

In short, the most important asset of the enemy is in the wind. The one who I want to retrieve it the least is the most likely to find it, and once he does he may just hunt me down like a dog as the biggest obstacle to his plans.

...Fuck. This is Raven all over again.


	7. Chapter 7 - Under The Sea

Disclaimer: All fictional works belong to their respective creators and licensed distributors. I own nothing.

* * *

Okay, no use wallowing. Not being able to die is worth all the trouble this will bring and more. Lets just move on and get started planning for the future.

The Rat Talisman is the only one I can't find, but it can wait for last.

The reason Shendu and his men were able to track the talismans is because he fashioned a locator for them out of his own stony flesh. When his moron henchmen take it out to track talismans down, I'll steal it. However, having all the other talismans in my hands and out of Shendu's will make the whole process far easier.

Bracing myself,

*Snip!*

-I open a portal to the North Pole. Immediately, I am hit by the coldest blast of air I have ever experienced, and I have been out on the Atlantic and in Canada during winter. Even though the portal has only been open for a few seconds, I feel like the very blood in my veins is freezing.

"Hah!"

A blast of raging flames is launched from the Dragon Talisman. The cold and snow only abate for a moment, but that is more than enough for me to find the Horse Talisman, encased in ice.

Using the Pig, I melt the ice around it and telekinetically _pull_ it through the portal. I close it before I freeze, and smash the ice to reach my prize.

The Horse is equally strange and powerful. It can Heal both living beings and inanimate objects, but only by coming in contact with something which doesn't 'belong'. For example, a magic poison that turns the body to stone will be neutralized and the flesh restored to perfect condition, but a person cursed to transform into a child cannot be 'healed' because their body is completely healthy.

A matter of semantics, really, but isn't that just the way with magic?

Before I continue retrieving talismans, however, there is something that needs to be done.

The Dog Talisman is my most valuable possession, including my scissors, but will only work as longs as it remains on my person. I have kept it tied on the inside of my leg since Vale, but even with my aura protecting it there is still a chance it could be lost or damaged during battle.

With the Horse, I may just have a solution.

I lift off my shirt, and then take my scissors and the Horse Talisman in one hand and the Dog in the other. Taking several deep breaths, I lower my aura and and bolster my mind with the knowledge that the Talisman won't let me die, that I had survived worse mere hours ago..

"No pain, no gain...FUCK!"

With a scream, I use the scissors to carve open my own stomach. Quickly, I shove the shaking hand with the Dog into my lower abdomen near my pelvis. Nowhere near the places someone who can over power my aura would usually aim, but not in a limb so it can't be cut away from a non-lethal strike.

Oh, wonderful. My guts are starting to slide out.

Even with the blood draining from my veins, the Dog keeps me energized like a magical battery. 'Youthful vigor' is one hell of a drug, and despite the pain I am still standing. I quickly bring my aura back up to full power, and watch it get to work healing me. Just as I thought, without the naturally high reserves Jaune has or the skill of huntsman like Phyrra, the wound heals very slowly.

The Horse fixes that as soon as I press it to my abdomen, or rather, it _would_ have if the Dog didn't remove the fatal wound in an instant.

Goddamn it! Do you mean I could have done this from the beginning!?

Just...lets just _never_ do that again.

I fall on my ass and sit there for some time, just composing myself mentally. Between my aura and the Horse and Dog Talismans I may never feel physical exhaustion again, but my mind has no such advantage.

Alright, that's enough of that. Time to keep moving.

The next Talisman will be the last simple one, but annoying all the same.

*Snip!*

A portal opens to the bottom of the Micronesian sea, the pressure shooting water into the temple like a cannon.

Dodging to the side, I use the Ox to drive my feet into the stone up to my knees. I then begin using the Pig, Dragon, and Rooster Talismans to plow through the water with a mixture of fire and force.

I can't win against the entire ocean, but I should be able to beat the elements back long enough to find the Monkey Talisman. Just like I did with the Horse but way, way, worse.

Where is it?

...where?

...shit.

Did I say this would be simple? Apparently, the bottom of the ocean is super dark. And full of sharks.

Fine, let's try something else.

*Snip!*

I don't want to steal from normal people, that seems like a dick move. However, I _do_ have a small mountain of gold just waiting to be spent. Taking a moment to put a (relatively) small amount in a plastic grocery bag, I go shopping.

*Snip!*

I step out from behind a pillar of stone and behold the Zora's Domain. A huge cave filled with waterfalls and deep pools, the air is chilly and damp but feels as alive as Vale. A city in its own right, if smaller.

I also take a minute to observe the first sapient nonhumans I have ever met.

The Zora are strange to look at through the 'filter' of this world. They look real in a way they never could when I was just playing Ocarina. Even stranger, while their biology is alien to me I can still see faces and physical features that I find attractive. Huh, that's something else I'll have to get used to. Even if they are from different species, as long as we are both consenting adults there is no reason I can't 'enjoy the company' of nonhuman woman.

Would that still be bestiality?

Uhg, that isn't an image I need. Shaking my head I continue fish-people watching and come to a dismaying conclusion.

I am in Hyrule, where they use a completely separate system of writing. Apparently, they also don't speak english, or even japanese. In fact, I've never even heard of a language like this. Which is just great. Something else for me to figure out.

Fuck, that means buying what I want the normal way is out.

Sighing, I use the Snake Talisman to turn invisible and sneak up to the counter of the Zora merchant. I have no idea how much a rupee is worth in gold, but I approximated based on my knowledge of _The Legend of Zelda_ and how much I think this particular magical artifact is worth to me.

The Zora Tunic allows the wearer to breath underwater, and is supposedly a high class item worth 300 Rupees. Though not unique in any sense of the word, as the King gives one to Link and the shop always has one in stock no matter how many you buy. I take that to mean that they take time to make but are fairly renewable.

I Levitate the tunic and my bag of gold and then switch them silently, a small clinking of coins the only sign of my presence.

I even left a little bit extra as an apology for my 'theft'. Aren't I nice?

*Snip!*

"Wah!"

The shopkeeper is bowled over as I open another underwater portal and a stream of sea water comes pouring through. Oops, now I'm _really_ glad I left a tip.

Jumping through with the Ox, I close the portal behind me and shrug on the Zora Tunic. It takes a second for me to force myself to inhale water, but as soon as I do I find I can breath just fine.

I activate my thermal vision, but I can really just see some fish and get a general look at my surroundings. It is too cold and dark to get a clear view.

In that case, let their be light!

*BOOM!*

"Whoa shit!"

Apparently, magical explosions _can_ burn underwater. As long as you keep the power up, that is.

Unfortunately, depth charges have an unfortunate habit of hitting everything around them.

Thank god I have the Dog and Horse Talismans, or that would have really hurt.

I use the Rooster to take control of my 'flight', and turn away from the ensuing fireball behind me. I have to blink the stars from my eyes, but soon I can see the entire area freely.

Levitating downwards, I sink to the bottom and begin searching. I had used the image of the talisman's resting place from the show to form the portal, but it still takes me some time to find it.

Fucking finally, now I can get out of here.

*Snip!*

I'm launched out onto the Galapagos Islands in a cascade of water. I stand up, and immediately feel something flopping around in my pants.

It's a fish.

How the hell did that get in there?

Somewhere around here is a large tortoise with the super speed granting Rabbit Talisman stuck on top of it's shell.

Time to get looking. 


	8. Chapter 8 - Goodbye Jackie

Disclaimer: All fictional works belong to their respective creators and licensed distributors. I own nothing.

* * *

It took me the rest of the day to find the tortoise, which actually wasn't that long when you think of how large an area that is to search.

Instead of driving myself crazy, I decided to work smarter rather than harder.

A quick google search told me what habitats Galapagos Tortoises usually prefer, and from there it was a simple matter of flying around with the Rooster and inspecting every large, vaguely circular rock until I found my man.

Turtle. Whatever.

When I finally found it, however…

Well, that's when things got a little tricky.

I can use the Rooster to levitate it, but when you put the Rooster and Rabbit Talismans together they grant supersonic flight. I would rather have a super fast turtle than a potentially super fast _flying_ turtle.

So thats a no.

Hmm, I need someway to remove its mobility altogether. If it can't move, it can't really use the talisman in the first place.

I could try melting the sand under it, but burying an innocent animal in molten glass seems...mean. The same with just straight up laser sniping it.

If only I had a nonviolent way to change the world around me…

I'm just kidding, I totally have that.

The Monkey Talisman fires a spell which transforms living creatures into whatever animal the user wants, or inanimate objects into animal statues.

As a side note, it can also change the target's gender.

Using the Snake to turn invisible, I quietly Levitate close behind the tortoise. Then, I strike.

"Change to a troute!"

The tortoise is changed into a large fish with the Talisman embedded in the scales on its back. Immediately, it starts flopping around at hyper speed, actually digging into the ground a bit in its hurry to escape the 'predator' hunting it.

Quickly, I use the Rooster to dig a large hole around the fish and pile the excess dirt into walls to trap it.

I didn't need to bother though, as the now aquatic creature quickly runs out of 'breath' and passes out.

Grabbing the Rabbit Talisman, I change the trout back into a tortoise before it dies and flatten the ground again.

Apparently, turtles can gasp for air. Huh.

Oh, well. Time to boogie.

*Snip!*

The Tiger Talisman can be found on this day during this particular county fair in the American Midwest. Apparently, it somehow found its way into a pie and both Jackie Chan and Shendu's minions have to enter to find it.

Fuck that.

I appeared before the competition starts, and use the Snake to turn invisible and 'infiltrate' where they are keeping the pies.

Then I start smashing.

It takes me only a few minutes to find the talisman. I am only interrupted once, but an aura enhanced blow is more than enough to knock the guy out.

Hopefully I didn't cause any brain damage...meh, not really a problem either way. I have to use the Horse to fix everything and hide that I was here anyway, another second to make sure this guy doesn't die isn't a real problem.

Now to get out of here and-

Wait...why don't I just grab that tracker now? I know those Dark Hand schmucks are going to be here anyway, might as well lay a trap and do this now.

Invisible, I fly up over the town and wait.

An hour passes, I got hungry and took one of the pies. It's fucking delicious.

Then, I spot my prey.

The goon squad appears, looking comically out of place in their obvious 'cidyot' attire. As someone who lives in a small town myself, I know how to spot them.

They, make their way over to me, believing the tracker is leading them to one talisman instead of _ten_. They blather on about some stupid shit or another, but I refuse to waste brain cells listening to these morons.

When they reach me and begin looking around for their target, I strike.

The Rooster lifts them into the air easily, locals running away screaming at the obviously supernatural sight.

Tohru is a pretty cool guy, so I just grab the Locator as he flails his arms uselessly.

The others, however, get kicks in the nads and stolen wallets. I even take the ginger's gold chain.

Thug Life, motherfucker.

*Snip!*

Without having to worry about the locater, it's a simple matter to reach into the Istanbul train car holding the Sheep Talisman.

The Sheep allows for Astral Projection, the user's soul leaving their body to fly through walls and watch the physical world unnoticed by those without spiritual senses. In addition, the disembodied soul can enter dreams or the user can even push _other people's'_ souls out of _their_ bodies instead. You can even eject two souls and switch their bodies.

Useless my ass.

Now, it's finally time to grab the last talisman and move on.

Thankfully, the locator doesn't respond to the talismans I already possess after a few minutes of 'getting used' to them. Handy.

I have no idea where the last talisman is, just that it's on this planet.

Time to get searching.

The Rooster and Rabbit Talismans can be used together for Supersonic Flight. I won't be able to _see_ anything, but I just need to watch the locator anyway.

Better get started.

-The Following Search has been skipped for your convenience, and because I can't make something like that interesting.-

Finally, I have found it.

Walking up to the ancient altar deep within a jungle temple, I behold the final Talisman, the Rat.

I can't remember how long I've been searching. Between superspeed and not having to rest, I could have been at this for days or even weeks.

Either way, I desperately need a shower.

Reaching out for my prize, I stop.

…

...what, really? No explosions? No traps? No Shadow Khan interrupt?

Fucking ripoff.

Lets just finish up and get out of here.

*Snip!*

Captain Black pulls a gun on me as I appear behind him in his office.

"What the hell!"

Telekinetically, I pull his handgun from his grip and lift him three feet off the ground.

"You're a moron, magic is obviously real."

*Snip!*

"Aiyaaaah!"

"Cool!"

Another portal opens up to Uncle's Shop; Uncle, Jackie, and Jade all in attendance.

Is that a bruised Tohru in the back room? Huh, I must have messed up the timeline more than I thought.

The assembled members of the "J-Team" watch in shock as Augustus Black and I levitate through a portal into their shop.

I turn to Jackie Chan, who looks exactly like the actor from my world through my current skin's 'filter'.

"I believe this belongs to you." I say as I half-float half-toss Black to him, the archeologist catching his bald friend awkwardly.

"Wah!"

"Oomph!"

The two fall into a pile of limbs and curses, Tohru walking far too stealthy for a man his size to cover Jade's impressionable ears.

"Hey!"

"Now that that's over with…," I turn to Uncle and bow awkwardly, "honored wizard, I wish to impart to you the knowledge necessary to remove Shendu's control over the Shadow Khan and leave him powerless."

The old man's eyes widen, but he nods for me to continue.

"Shendu's power comes from his possession of an Oni Mask in his treasure vault. The mask contains the spirit of one of the strongest demons to ever come from Japan, sealed away by holy men many centuries ago. The Oni is a general of Tarakudo, the king of his people, and lord of all Shadow Khan. To remove Shendu's hold, you must either infiltrate his palace, find the mask, and banish the spirit with Japanese magic, or find a way to cut the connection from Shendu's end. Shendu's body is currently in Valmont's headquarters as a statue. In Japan, a car company uses the symbol of the Hanafuda as their logo, this set of cards contains instructions on how to find and banish all nine of Tarakudo's generals as well as the Demon King himself. The president of the company possesses them as a family heirloom."

Tohru had locked up in fear at the mention of the Japanese demons, allowing Jade to wiggle out of his grip.

"Now wait one minute," she yelled, "why the heck should we believe you!? For all we know, you're one of Valmonts goons!"

"Jade!" Jackie yelled, aghast at his niece's manners.

"It's fine," I say, "to tell you the truth, I don't care if you believe me or not. With a little research, I'm sure you can verify what I've told you. I told you all this because stopping Shendu and Valmont is your job, and I don't want them coming after my talismans."

Jade blinkes. "Wait, you're the one who took them!?"

I smirk. "Yep, sorry you guys were too slow. Maybe be a little faster next time."

I move to leave, but Jackie yells for me to stop.

"What?"

"You can't keep the Talisman's, they are very dangerous! You need to hand them over to Section Thirteen!"

...ha!

"Let me think about it...no."

Jackie chokes in shock, I don't think he is used to people straight up refusing him. Though he really should be.

"Don't worry about it." I tell him. "As long as the Talisman's remain in the same world as Shendu, their will always be the chance of him resurrecting. I intend to use my magic to take them somewhere far, far away from him."

I move to leave again-

"Stop! I still have a question for you!"

Oh come on!

"What!?"

Jackie stares gravely at me, more serious than I have ever seen him even on the show.

"Who are you?"

...huh, that's actually an intelligent question. I obviously won't tell them my real name, that's always a terrible idea when dealing with magic. However, I can always use an alias…

Oh, that's perfect.

"My name is Steven Black," I say, laughing inside as they turn to stare at the good captain in shock, "and I am a huge fan of yours. I loved you in _Rush Hour_."

"What?"

*Snip!*

I step into Ludwig's castle a few minutes after I left with the Rooster Talisman. I feel bad about messing up such a major historical find, especially since I actually like Jackie. The Horse can easily fix the damage from my lasers.

"Heal!"

Done, now I can finally leave this world behind. Maybe one day I'll come back for some of the other seasons. Right now I just want to go have fun with my superpowers.

*Snip!*

* * *

A.N. I wanted to do something with a final confrontation, but I couldn't make it work. Sorry. As an apology, this arc is finally over.

Also, the SI's name (alias) will now be Steven Black for the rest of the story.


	9. Chapter 9 - Let's Kill Some Monsters!

Disclaimer: All fictional works belong to their respective creators and licensed distributors. I own nothing.

* * *

*Snip!*  
I step into another world with a language I don't speak, something that is incredibly annoying.

However, here and there I find people who's words are easily understandable to me, despite clearly speaking to others who don't know a word of English. Beautiful people who feel _more_ even to my barely existent senses.

Deities.

In this world, gods descended from the heavens and began creating artificial demigods for their own entertainment. Most of them are assholes, as in mythology, but a few are genuinely good people who I think I could even be friends with, though I refuse to worship them.

The Bible doesn't say you can't acknowledge other religions or gods, especially when they are clearly real. Just that you can't worship them before The Lord.

Take that Catholic Guilt, defeated by a loophole!

Besides, I don't think anyone will complain about me befriending and working with a genuinely good person.

It takes me a moment to find her, as I had chosen this specific place and time to do just that.

"W-wait! You're the 49th person I've asked, _please_ say yes!"

"No way! Why would I enter the Familia of a poor goddess who doesn't even have a single adventurer!"

I watch as the short sighted asshole walks off, too focused on immediate glory to realize that they could easily get in on the ground floor of a new Familia and become it's Captain, something far better than what they would get in any already established group.

Meh, not my problem. Their loss is my gain.

"Need a hand?"

Hestia looks up at me from where she had slumped to the ground, surprised to be approached after her dismal failure a moment before. As I reach down to help her, I make sure to block her view of Bell.

I don't consider this NTR, Bell was never going to be with her in the first place. After all, she started out basically throwing herself at him and he _still_ went off to the dungeon to pick up chicks.

Besides, it will be better for everyone if Freya can just snatch him up with no competition. He might even grow faster under her care.

"Y-yes please, thank you!" The oppai-loli replies. I help her up, but she doesn't let go of my hand until we have been standing there awkwardly for almost a minute.

Damn, I guess constant rejection must have tanked her confidence.

"It's not a problem," I say politely, "its only proper to help a woman up when they fall."

She actually blushes and looks away, which I admit makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. After years of watching anime, I can easily read what these kinds of worlds consider 'subtle' facial expressions.

Hestia stutters, before seeming to center herself. She turns to ask me a question, driven by determination and hope.

I can see in her eyes that she already knows my answer.

Or at least, she thinks she does.

"Will you join my Familia?" She all but begs.

I smile. "I would love to!"

"...Wait, what!?"

It doesn't take long after that to set up shop in the old church that Hephaestus had reserved for Hestia after throwing her out. With all the gold I have, I actually don't have to go into the dungeon to support us, though I do recommend Hestia ally herself with a more powerful Familia (i.e. Hephaestus) and 'launder' the gold through them to exchange it into Valis.

The actual act of gaining a Falna is a little embarrassing, as it involves taking my shirt off and having a beautiful, half-naked woman crawl on top of me.

...God I need to get laid soon.

As a side note, having my aura unlocked translates to a special 'ability' as far as the Falna is concerned.

After that, it actually doesn't take long to inform Hestia of my special magic item and how that means I don't need to enter the dungeon for riches or to grow stronger, and that I can bring her potentially dozens of unique and powerful Familia members.

I don't know what she loves more, the potential to show up Loki or the fact that her 'children' will be the best equipped and protected Familia in Orario. If we even decide to stay, as setting up shop in a completely different world is an option for us.

Either way, after making sure she is settled in I leave to begin taking advantage of my Falna.

I now have super powers, including functional immortality. I can go anywhere or when, do anything.

But I barely know how to use any of it.

I need practice using my powers, practice fighting, and to get myself in peak physical condition.

In addition, I should probably get used to pain. Because if I ever drop or lose the Horse Talisman I would prefer not to get fucked the first time someone shoots me.

The question is, how do I do all of that at once?

The answer? It wasn't really a question, especially now that I am effectively a low-level demigod that grows stronger through combat. I'm going to take advantage of being immortal and go fight some monsters until I'm a bad ass.

*Snip!*

Ah Hyrule, how I love your vast verdant fields of expendable mooks.

I chose the time depicted in _Breath of The Wild_ specifically because it is a gigantic open area with 'no dungeons', a huge number of renewable enemies, and a wide variety of different foes.

Also, I don't have to worry about my awesome weapons breaking.

Flying, it doesn't take long for me to find some bokoblins. Then I start punching shit.

I start by putting the Horse away for now, along with most of the other Talismans. I decided to make my standard Talismans the 'Basic Superman Package'; Rabbit for Speed, Rooster for Flight, Ox for Strength, Dog/Horse for invulnerability, and Pig because Laser Beams are fucking awesome.

Though really, I only intend to use the Pig to track enemies and occasionally fry something.

From there, it's just a matter of hitting monsters until they die. My aura and falna making me truly superhuman even with my barely adequate physical abilities And with the talismans...

My fists can pulverize stone and bend steel, I can literally run circles around my enemies, I can blow monsters away from a several hundred feet, and when I run out of foes I can fly around looking for more.

And I do.

When I get hungry, I eat off the land.

When I need a break or to wash off, I telekinetically swim in a lake.

When an enemy manages to hit me, I take the pain and learn from my mistakes. Becoming stronger with every battle.

Just like in the games, when monsters die they 'poof' into black smoke and leave things behind. I don't need anything from the monster shop, so I leave the organs behind (except for the best claws and fangs). But the occasional good weapon or rupee? I put those in my quickly growing treasure pile.

I'll need to find somewhere better to put that soon.

I don't technically need sleep, though I do pop back over to my house every once in awhile for few hours of shut eye.

But when I'm awake? Almost constant battle.

Soon, my presence becomes unignorable to the quickly depleting monster population.

Even though they will all come back during the Blood Moon, the rate at which I slaughter them is unprecedented and the hint of divinity I now possess draws them like flies to honey. Even Link doesn't kill them as quickly or in as great numbers as I do, and they do _not_ like it.

They begin swarming me, coming from miles around in great waves. Lizalfos, Bokoblins, Moblins, and more. Even the bigger ones like Talus' and Hinon's.

Hundreds and then thousands of foes attack, and to the 'man' they are cut down.

They can't hurt me in any meaningful way, nor can they outspeed me, hide from me, or defend against my blows. Through it all, I constantly grow stronger as the experience of ten thousand battles builds higher and higher. My body grows stronger, my instincts sharper, and my blows surer.

When night comes and the undead rise, I turn invisible and hunt them.

When they swarm me in an effort to bury me in bodies, I escape to the sky and rain fire down upon them.

I even begin using my scissors in battle, their dimensional magic able to surpass any defense easily. Including the metal hides of those laser shooting robot tanks.

Soon, only the deadly Lynel show any meaningful resistance. Masters of several weapons, superior speed and strength, possessing devastating magic, and built like brick shit houses with teeth.

But even they can't actually harm me, and soon I grow used to the sensation of being burned alive or cut in half.

Eventually, they begin coming for me in packs.

Then I start using my aura to attack.

As the light of the soul, aura is basically a type of spirit energy. In _Naruto_ , such energy is trained and increased through experience and meditation. By living, learning, and growing. The longer you live and the more you fight, the more you _use_ it, the more powerful your spirit grows.

Such training actually holds up well when compared to manga like _Bleach_ or _YuYu Hakusho_ , where characters grow in spiritual power as they train, learn under masters, and battle powerful foes.

Another, more indepth explanation on how to train soul power can be found in _Shaman King_ , where one method of increasing spiritual power involves coming close to death, and allowing one's soul to grow through experiencing mortality and the afterlife.

While I technically cannot die due to 'magic', I don't think my soul can tell that. Just that I am repeatedly on the brink of death only to heal and continue fighting.

In addition, the mere spark of divine power Hestia granted me makes my spirit energy exponentially more potent.

The end result? I'm no Ichigo or even Kuwabara, but when I go all out my spirit _explodes_ off of me like an inferno.

After that, even entire _herds_ of Lynel aren't much of a fight.

Blood Moon after Blood Moon passes, large fields are torn to shreds as a result of my battles. I take many weapons and treasures as trophies, slaughtering monsters and Ganon worshippers alike. At some point, they all start looking the same to me. Evil to be crushed and exterminated.

Then one day, I stop. One of those 'Crusher' things smashing the skull of the Lynel I took it off of.

...you know what? I think I've got everything I can from this place.

Maybe I'll come back when I have something to translate with. Hopefully there is a spell or magic item for that, as I would rather _not_ have to spend large portions of my immortal life constantly learning new languages.

For now? Lets mosey on and find something really _fun_ to do.

Well, _more_ fun. 


	10. Chapter 10 - F v M v F (Lemon)

Disclaimer: All fictional works belong to their respective creators and licensed distributors. I own nothing.

* * *

I've been putting this off for far too long.

It takes me less than an hour to shower and cut my now long hair. I usually prefer a short military haircut and goatee. Long hair makes me uncomfortable, and without facial hair I look almost a decade younger.

As I wash myself, I take the time to actually look at my body for the first time since I started my brutal 'training'.

Apparently, fighting monsters almost nonstop for months at a time is a hell of a way to get ripped.

Damn, I hope my clothes actually fit. This is the most drastic change my body has ever gone through in such a short time.

Still, it doesn't take long to get ready for a night on the town. Outside of mind control or someone drastically more powerful than I am deciding they would like my face better as a smear, I think I'm ready for any possible danger.

That means it's finally time to cut a little loose.

*Snip!*

Guilt free sex, with as few questions asked as possible. That's the name of the game. There are actually a fair few places I can go to get that, but since I can currently only speak English and some Spanish, my options are limited a bit.

The planet of Chorus has just been through years of war, and will soon be celebrating their new peace. An alien relic known as the 'Temple of Procreation' will be activated within the next few hours, to both build up the failing population and throw a massive party.

Or at least, that's what people will say, but I'm fairly sure Caboose and/or Tucker just hit the wrong button or something.

The Temple will throw everyone into a frenzy of lust. When that happens, I just need to be within spitting distance of some lovely ladies and the rest will take care of itself. No fuss, no muss.

Okay, some muss.

Flying invisibly, it takes me only a few minutes to find a supply depot with spare suits of armor, and another minute to dress myself so as to avoid any awkward questions.

Questions like 'Hey, I don't know you. Are you one of those pirates?'

Then it's just a matter of finding a prime spot and settling in to wait.

"Hey, you!"

I freeze, the familiar voice of Agent Washington seconds away from spooking me into running.

"Yes, sir?"

I wait for the other shoe to drop, only for Washington to run up to me nervously.

"Have you seen Caboose or Tucker? They both ran off and nobody can find them!"

...See, what I tell you? At least I don't have to worry about being made.

"No, sir. I have seen neither Captain Caboose nor Captain Tucker."

"Damn it!" Wash shouts in frustration.

Then he all but slams a stack of papers into my chest.

"I have to take care of this before those idiots blow up the city. Take these to General Kimble's office, ASAP!"

Then he runs off.

...okay, then. That seems as good a place as any, maybe I'll get to bang the General or Dr. Grey.

I ask someone where the good general has set up shop, and head over. The settlement is an old military base, and she has an office/sleeping quarters in what was the base's command center.

I enter the room-

"Where is Agent Washington?"

-and find that Kimble is currently meeting with none other than Agent Carolina. "Apologies, ma'am. Agent Washington said he needed to track down Captains Caboose and Tucker. He told me to deliver these to you in his stead."

Kimble sighs and Carolina barks out a short laugh, obviously familiar with those two and their antics.

"Fine, fine. Just put them down on my desk and go, all of you are supposed to have the night off anyway."

Before I can do that, though, the sky is flooded with a crimson light that makes my blood hot and my cock hard.

...Wash, I'm going to buy you a goddamn pony.

I close the door behind me, and step inside.

* * *

Having a threesome is...interesting.

Having one with women like Carolina and Kimble is like wrestling a bear. That just ate a thunderstorm. And wants to fuck you.

My brain is still fried from the sex, sue me.

The two had been more confused and annoyed than anything at first, but they obviously had a little... _tension_ between them because they were full on making out and groping each other within a minute or two.

I wasn't as patient, and had been stroking myself at the sight of two equally hard boiled and sexy women go to town on each other.

Then they both turned to look at my penis. _Then_ they tackled me.

Everything was a little blurry after that, and not just because the Temple sent us all into a lust fueled berserker rage.

However, what I do remember-

 _Kimble, short brown hair, dusky skin, with an adorable beauty mark under her left eye. Petite B-cups and a curvy waist. On the floor with my cock in her mouth, choking herself on meat with a hand between her thighs. Carolina, red haired and stocky, built like a brick shit house. Sitting on Kimble's desk and fondling her C-cups while I eat her pussy. She demands eye contact. Even with Kimble here, she makes it clear she is in charge. In fact, the general is surprisingly submissive in the bedroom._

 _Occasionally I bring my head up to run my tongue over her abs or suck on an unattended breast. She strokes my hair before pushing me firmly back between her legs._

 _"Oh god yes," she hisses in pleasure, "good boy."_

 _Now I'm on my back naked, our clothes tossed in a corner. Carolina rides my cock, slamming herself down on me like she wants to impale her own womb. Kimble sits on my face, her thighs squeezing the sides of my head. I stroke her lovingly with my tongue and squeeze her ass. She and Carolina lean towards each other, kissing and groping again. Carolina dominates her as easily as she does me, and Kimble loves every second. She squeaks as Carolina roughly mauls her perky tits and I stroke her g-spot. Her eyes roll back in her skull as she comes undone._

 _"Fuck!" Carolina responds. "Cumming!"_

 _Her pussy milks me rhythmically, and I can't find it in myself to resist._

 _"Oh yes! Right in my pussy!"_

 _Then Kimbele is on all fours as I pound her from behind, my hands on her hips the only thing keeping her upright. My knees ache, and I want desperately to fall on top of her and rut the slim beauty into the ground. Carolina doesn't let me, one arm draped over my shoulder to stroke my chest as the other wraps around my waist to grip my cock and fuck it even deeper into the brunette in front of us. She humps my ass as we writhe against each other, her thighs slick with three different types of cum. She climaxes freely now, her iron wrought self-control nowhere to be found. Kimble claws wildly at the ground, cumming over and over as she is finally allowed to feel my member in her cunt after hours of oral and teasing. Then Carolina's knees finally give out, and I slam into Kimble as I cum deep inside her._

-is fucking amazing.

In the end, we passed the entire night together. Both women were in peak physical condition and used to the rigors of war, but my literally superhuman staying power allowed me to out last them both. By midnight, they had to start taking turns while the other rested. By morning, they were both passed out and all but covered in semen as only I could keep going.

I think I actually started whimpering like a dog when they _both_ got too tired to continue, but they just laughed and weakly spread their pussys for me.

I got the hint.

Outside of porno universes (which I will have to investigate after this) normal men can't cum over and over again.

Between aura and the Dog's 'youthful vitality', that isn't true for me.

I hope they both visit a doctor after this, because even if I _had_ brought condoms I would have run out around hour three. Maybe future Halo society has better birth control? Not that having kids with either of these women would be a bad thing. Chorus should be more than able to take care of the coming wave of single parents, and they both would make excellent mothers and most likely produce exceptional children.

...I wonder how many of those women in the show purposefully allowed themselves to get pregnant with Tucker's children. He _was_ a planetwide hero after all.

Either way, in the unlikely event that _does_ happen, I can't see either woman wanting to have much to do with some random soldier they had an orgy with in an alien influenced lust craze.

I would be more than happy with visitations and providing monetary support, so I won't stress over it.

In the end, I'm the only one who can even walk. By the time the Temple's effect ends, I'm actually a little worried they might die if we go any further.

We had avoided Kimble's cot because it couldn't fit nor support three people. I tuck the two of them in, collect my things, and *Snip!* out.

After all that work, It was nice to reward myself a bit. 


	11. Chapter 11 - Stand Tall

The sun rises over Cairo, finishing the vampire DIO once and for all (kinda).

While Jotaro and the Speedwagon Foundation see to that, however, I take this opportunity to raid DIO's mansion.

Or rather, to take something specific from his former quarters.

*Snip!*

I step out into DIO's bedroom, unwilling to explore the rest of the mansion on the off chance that he had more subordinates hanging around than Araki showed in the manga. Hanging from his wall is the only stand granting Arrow to never appear instory again. Out of all six arrows, this is the only one that won't be missed as well as the easiest to access.

As I step towards it, I feel something in my aura calling out to the weapon. The arrow starts to shake, but before it can take flight I grab hold of it firmly with all my strength.

This needs to be soaked in the sun a bit first, just incase there is still some 'DIO juice' on it.

*Snip!*

A few minutes baking the arrow in the depths of the Sahara does the trick, and I slow roast it with dragon fire afterwards just to be sure.

Hmm...I can't die, and the desert is the last place I should have to worry about vampires. Plus, I doubt there is any living creature less than a few feet under the ground for miles, so the chance of the Arrow flying off while I recover is pretty much zero.

Huh. I guess this is as good a place as any then.

I take the Arrow, and stab myself in the thigh with it.

There is a very bright light.

* * *

I wake up a few hours later, the sun just starting to dip in the sky. The Horse and Dog kept me from getting sunburnt or dying of dehydration, though I desperately need a drink. Neither is there a coin sized hole in my leg. The Arrow remains in my hand.

As for my soul…

I turn to inspect the figure standing at attention behind me. He looks like a spec-ops soldier, just with black and dark green armor plating in place of skin or cloth. His face is completely covered by a mask, the eyes appear to be two small telescopic lenses like those on night-vision goggles. He looks professional. Deadly.

Instinctively, I know his name.

"Happy Birthday, **[Shoot To Thrill]**."

* * *

A.N. Sorry it's so short and came out late, had a tight schedule today. 


	12. Chapter 12 - Teasing an Oppai-Loli

Disclaimer: All fictional works belong to their respective creators and licensed distributors. I own nothing.

* * *

My house on Earth is actually the safest location available to me at the moment, if only because it's so low-key. As such, I make a stop there to put the Arrow in the small safe I keep important documents in. It's really just to keep things safe in case of a fire, but it has a combination lock and is both too thick for the Arrow to pierce and too small for it to maneuver. On the small chance someone with a strong spirit passes within its range, the Arrow is secure.

After that, it's time to visit my...well, I guess she's kind of my boss. Though with the freedom she gives me, Hestia is more like my partner.

Partner, huh? That actually sounds pretty good. I give her access to vast resources and knowledge about how to use them. She empowers me and our allies. It's a win-win.

*Snip!*

I step into the old church, knocking on a wall to alert Hestia to my presence.

She pokes her head out of a room down the hall, her hands busy tying up her hair in twintails

It's a good look on her, but if she wants to be taken more seriously she should probably try a more conservative hairstyle. It's why I have a goatee.

She would look great with her hair up. Maybe one of those elaborate buns?

"You're back!" She yells, both happy to see me and a little surprised.

Was she not expecting me to return? Why? Even if I didn't enjoy her company, I need her to level up my stats.

Hestia cocks her head. "I thought you said you had to go train for a while to get stronger? Did you get what you needed in a single night?"

...Oh, right. To her, I've only been gone a few hours. I should probably explain to her why they call it the Space- _Time_ Continuum.

"Actually, my lady, I was gone for several months. I can explain it more to you later but...when you jump across worlds like I do time gets a little _weird_. Technically, I can use my teleporting scissors for a poor man's version of time travel."

"Really!? That's so cool!"

I think the only person more surprised than me by that is Hestia herself, who flushes red and all but slams her hands over her mouth.

"...s-sorry. I don't know what came over me."

Heh, she's too adorable.

"It's fine, my lady. My powers _are_ pretty cool."

Hestia smiles at me before frowning suddenly. "You don't have to call me 'my lady', you know. Just call me Hestia!"

"Very well, Hestia. In return, please call me Steven. Or Mr. Black when introducing me to others, I suppose."

"Steven? But that's not your name!"

Right. My Falna has my real identity transcribed on it. Good thing Hestia's handwriting is even worse than mine.

"Steven is my pseudonym. I don't use my real name, Hestia, it's too dangerous."

"Dangerous?"

She looks genuinely confused…

Oh.

"You probably never had to worry about it because you are a goddess, but for mortals having your true name known can leave one vulnerable to sorcerers. Names have power, which is part of the reason I wanted to join _your_ familia. I won't worship you, but out of all the deities who have descended upon Orario I trust you the most."

Look at that, the more embarrassed Hestia gets, the cuter she is. Heh, she's too easy. I think she'll spoil my inner S rotten by the end of the week.

"Steven," she says choking up a bit, "thank you."

"You don't have to thank me for recognizing that you're a good person. It just means I'm not a complete moron. Would you mind updating my Falna now?"

"Ah, no that's fine! Just lay down on my bed, I'll be right with you."

I stop, and stare meaningfully at her.

"Your bed, huh? _Really_?"

Ah, stop blushing like that Hestia-tan! You'll make my poor heart doki-doki right out of my chest!

"J-just shut up and lay down you ass! And take your shirt off!"

"Okay than, if you insist."

I start pulling my freshly washed Zora Tunic over my head right there in the hall. Hestia stops me before it can clear my stomach, though that might be because of the clear view she just got of my abs.

"NOT HERE!"

Sure enough, my partner has her hands over her eyes, though I can spy her peeking through them all the same.

Heh, too easy.

* * *

"Alright, all done! Lets see what your new stats a-Holy Shit!"

That was unexpected.

"Hestia?" I ask, turning over on my side to look at her.

"I-im sorry it's just...I know you said you were gone for months but I didn't understand until right now. How did you get your stats so high?"

I frown. "I thought the Falna recorded my 'legend', it doesn't say?"

"No, it does, but the Falna only records things in the most general terms. Nobody wants to hear about every single goblin a hero kills. It just says you 'journeyed to a foreign land, besieged by monsters, and fought them ceaselessly for several moons'."

"Huh. Well, that's pretty much what happened. I went to a place called Hyrule which has a little Dark Lord problem. He has thousands of monsters roaming around attacking travelers, so I just started killing them to train."

"Seriously!? And did you really steal from a Vampire Lord?"

"Technically. He was dead at the time, another group of warriors with a personal beef against him had just killed him. I knew there was a magic item in his possession that could give those with strong spirits special powers, so I stole it before one of his remaining followers could reclaim it."

Apparently, doing either of those things is more than a newly 'born' demigod usually does, as Hestia looks like she is blue screening right now.

"Hestia?"

Shaking herself out of her funk, Hestia begins studying my Falna more closely.

"Is that how you got a new skill so early?"

"Skill?"

"Uh huh. It's called 'Anima stans'. It's description basically says that it lets your 'soul stand by your side and support you with unique abilities' or something like that."

"Oh! That's called a **[Stand]**. It's the power granted by that artifact I told you about. Here, I'll introduce you to mine."

Focusing, I call forth the shadow of my soul made manifest. As a goddess, Hestia should easily be able to see it.

An aquamarine light envelops me, extending out beside me to form my **[Stand]**.

"Hestia, meet **[Shoot To Thrill]**. He's the manifestation of my soul. Any damage he takes is translated onto my own body, and he can't go far from me, but he has special abilities and can attack independant of me."

"That sounds...useful?"

"Trust me, it is."

"Okay then, I'll take your word for it. What kind of abilities does it have?"

" _He_. And I have no idea."

"...what?"

"Yeah, he knows what his powers are, but I have to figure them out. It's kind of a thing all **[Stand]** users have to go through."

Hestia contemplates that for a moment.

"Why don't I just see what his Falna says then?"

What.

"Would that work?"

Hestia grins triumphantly and gives me a thumbs up.

"Leave it to me! The great and magnificent Hestia will figure out this puzzle no problem!"

Well someone is confident. Though I guess she has every right to be.

"Alright then, I'll leave it to you."


	13. Chapter 13 - Out Of Her Shell

Disclaimer: All fictional works belong to their respective creators and licensed distributors. I own nothing.

* * *

  
"Well damn," Hestia says, "you were right. This _does_ look useful."

Apparently my Falna is translated onto **[Shoot To Thrill]** 's back as _his_ stats. Which actually makes sense. I vaguely remember DIO saying that he carved some spell or other onto **[The World]** , and since my stand is basically a reflection of my soul it seems obvious in hindsight that the Falna would affect him too.

In JJBA, stands are 'graded' in six categories, with stats ranging from E to A, and C being roughly equivalent to an ordinary human.

 **[Shoot To Thrill]** 's stats look something like this.

Destructive Power: C

Speed: B

Range: C (A)

Durability: B

Precision: A

Developmental Potential: A

What this basically means is that, at his base, **[Shoot To Thrill]** is roughly about as strong as a regular human. He can't travel more than a few feet from me, but he is both supernaturally agile and durable, though not to extreme degrees. In addition, his accuracy is off the charts and he has a lot of room to grow, as well as undiscovered uses for his powers.

Powers which are the reason his C-Rank Range is technically one of his highest stats.

Some **[Stands]** have powers and names that have nothing to do with each other, **[Shoot To Thrill]** is not one of them.

According to his Falna, his _Sagitta motus_ Skill allows him to shoot psychic bullets. These projectiles do no damage, which is why his destructive ability is so low, but instead 'inject' their target with a specific emotion.

Do you remember when you were a child and you would pretend your pointer finger was a handgun? That's basically how he fires them, except he has barrels running through his fingers and holes instead of finger tips.

While he can't travel more than a few feet away from me without losing cohesion, his effective range is very large.

In addition, these are his _base_ stats. Magic affects him, meaning he can also use talismans and other objects, and he will grow stronger with both my aura and the strength of my falna.

As for not doing any damage...I think I can do something about that. *Cough* *Cough* Spirit Gun.

"I'll have to practice using him a bit but...yeah, stands _are_ known to have ridiculous abilities. At least it isn't one of the _really_ crazy ones."

"Low key mind control isn't crazy?" She says skeptically.

"Not compared to time manipulation." I say, smirking at the thought. That would have been ridiculously broken, instead of the 'only kind of broken' skill I actually have.

"I-! *Sigh* I'm just going to stop asking questions now, you've given me a headache. Something I didn't even think was possible."

"It's what I do best."

"Just...just stop. _Please_. What are we going to do now. Didn't you say you could convince a bunch of people to join the familia? Where are you on that?"

"...about that…"

"What did you do?"

"Nothing! It's just...I can travel to other worlds, and I know of or where to find many people that would be excellent additions to the familia. The only problem is...I only speak one language fluently, half know a second, and remember a few phrases in another handful. There are literally thousands of languages I can't speak or read at all, which is sort of a big problem when trying to recruit people...unless you could do something about that?"

Hestia stops to think.

"Huh, well I guess I could use my Arcanum to 'cheat' and give you a skill. It wouldn't be a combat skill and since you are a foreigner it would actually just bring you up to the same level of competence as every other level one. As long as you don't flaunt it, I doubt the other gods would care if they ever even found out."

"That's...actually great yes. But its not what I meant. Why don't you come with me?"

Hestia blinks. "I-I can't do that! I have to stay in Orario!"

I frown.

"Why? We don't really need the dungeon, and I _know_ there are several familias which operate outside the city. Plus, from what I've seen gods are a nosy bunch. If you suddenly get a proper house and start pouring in the gold, people will get suspicious. Especially if they sense you use your Arcanum or I mess up and talk to someone like me in front of them. I'm not saying we can't set up a base here or visit, but there is no reason for us to stay here permanently. At the very least, we should hop out to give me that skill."

Obviously, this isn't an option Hestia had thought about much. She frowns and begins to workout in her head that _yeah_ I'm completely right.

"Aren't there any potential members here?"

I shrug. "A few, I'm sure, but the ones I know about aren't actually available right now. There is really only one in particular I am thinking of, and I doubt their goddess would give them up. She's been pissing off Freya recently though, so I'm sure that situation will resolve itself to our benefit sooner rather than later."

"...okay then."

Hestia smiles at me, equally hopeful, excited, and nervous.

"Let's go on an adventure!" 


	14. Chapter 14 - Starting a Familia

Disclaimer: All fictional works belong to their respective creators and licensed distributors. I own nothing.

* * *

"So, what do you think?"

Making small talk isn't usually my thing, but there isn't much else to do while Hestia is straddling my hips to adjust my falna. In addition, I'm honestly curious about what she thinks of my home. It isn't the level of luxury a woman like her deserves, but as the goddess of the home and hearth I figured she would be more comfortable here than the old church. At the very least, it's more comfortable.

"The house? It's...nice. I can feel how well lived in it is. Is it your family's?"

"Mm. It's actually a sort of vacation home. We got the land cheap when I was young, and spent about a decade coming up during the summers to build the actual house. When I got a job in the area I moved in full time."

Hestia stopped.

"Job? Is that something that will take up a lot of your time?"

"Hmm? No, not at all. I need to set up a few things first, but I can quit at any time now that I've got so much gold. It won't be a problem."

"If you say so...and done!"

Hestia slides off me, taking a moment more than is strictly necessary to touch my muscular back. I smile, the more time we spend together, the more comfortable she seems to become with me. Soon, well…

Something to look forward to.

"Lets test it out then. Have you ever seen a television?"

Hestia shakes her head, and I use the remote to put on a channel that caters to the large population of french speakers in the area. A language I know less than ten words in.

And now, I understand it as if I was born speaking it.

 _"_ _-a wonderful white wine sauce that complements the sweet flavor of the scallops."_

"Woah! What else is on here?"

Hestia takes the remote from me and begins flipping through the channels. She seems strangely involved in the various crime dramas, and laughs at shows like _The Late Show_. I have to turn it off before she gets too wrapped in it, though. She can be a couch potato _after_ we go get our first few recruits.

"So who did you have in mind?" She asks me after the two of us have gotten into more 'adventure friendly' gear. In order to be as inconspicuous as possible, I had given her some of my old clothes to wear instead of her... _dress_. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but I feel like it draws a bit too much attention. That being said, she makes what basically amounts to old rags look far better than they have any right to look.

Seriously Hestia. I love spending time with you, but if you keep doing shit like this I'm going to need to get laid again by _tonight_.

"Right now? We have a fair few options. To start though I would recommend an Ice 'magic' user named Akitsu. She's a member of a nonhuman race that psychically bonds with members of other species to find mates. They are completely devoted to their partners once they do so, and it's actually a huge part of their culture. Unfortunately, some human scientists got overconfident in their own skills and accidentally put a psychic block on her ability to find a partner. As a result, she is considered a cripple by her own kind and almost useless by others, despite her overwhelming raw power."

Hestia looked murderous.

"Can we help her?"

How best to put this?

"Right now, the thing she needs most is someone to devote herself to, if only to vicariously fulfill her own instinct to find a mate. Joining the Familia and finding a purpose here would be the best thing for her, and I'm reasonably confident we can wear down her block with time. Really, all we need to do is make our pitch and I'm sure she'll accept."

"Let's do it then." Hestia said determinedly. "Who else have you scouted?"

"Another nonhuman, though of a different species. Her kind only take on their true forms in a certain location, but even in human form they have supernatural strength and grace. She is somewhere around fifteen, and is a slave to a very... _impolite_ young prince. There is also a young girl with dragon blood in her veins. She is completely immune to fire, among other abilities, and is soon to be married off by her abusive older brother. He has delusions of reclaiming his family's throne, using her as a bargaining chip to procure a foreign King's aid. There are a few others but...those three are the ones I can think of immediately."

"...are all your recommendations going to have backgrounds like that?"

"You don't want to help battered women and abused children?"

Her face hardenes.

"That's not what I said at all."

"Theeeeen?"

She sighs. "Alright, I suppose there are few directions our familia could take that are more noble. Where can we find this Akitsu woman?"

I smirk.

"Leave it to me, I've already looked into it."

* * *

We found Akitsu half naked and covered in blood, waiting to die in a public park. I knew we weren't the only the only group who intended to recruit her tonight, but we were the first here and we would be the ones to succeed.

"You don't want me. I'm...broken. Useless."

Oh, it looks like Hestia had gone ahead and made her pitch while I was scouting for enemies. There were a few people out and about, but none were Ashikabi or Sekirei that I saw. They did, however, refuse to look at Akitsu's 'shameful' form.

I wonder how she will play this?

*Slap!*

...Oh, that's how.

Akitsu's head had snapped to the side with the force of Hestia's blow, who was now grabbing the scrapped number's dangerously loose collar to pull the taller woman close.

"Don't fuck with me! Who the hell are _you_ to decide that!? If I think you're valuable, then you're valuable damnit!"

"You're wrong," Akitsu says dispassionately, eyes dead, "I'm scrapped. Worthless. Without an Ashikabi, there is no point to living."

*Slap!*

Hm. Let's help things along. **[Shoot To Thrill]** , **[Anger]**.

A bullet of pure emotional energy strikes Akitsu, and when she looks up at Hestia the all-encompassing despair in her eyes has been diluted with rage.

"Stop that!"

"I will when _you_ stop being a moron!"

"Up yours!"

"Bite me!"

Uh oh, maybe I should step in before things get too out of hand.

"Hahahaha! This is too funny! Mutsu, you never said there would be a comedy routine going on! I would have brought popcorn!"

Too late.

Two men step out of the shadows, having snuck up on us while I was distracted. Well, one man and a spoiled little shit.

The Ashikabi of the South, Mikogami Hayato, and his strongest Sekirei, #5 Mutsu. The only male member of MBI's Disciplinary Squad, a hit-squad made up of their most powerful creations.

"I don't believe they are performers young master. It appears this woman is trying to abscond with the scrapped number."

Akitsu stiffenes at being called that, something Hestia notices. It makes her even angrier.

...I hit _Akitsu_ with that bullet, right?

"Who the hell are you!?"

Mutsu narrows his eyes and gripes his sword menacingly, but Mikogami merely laughes.

"I'm the one who's going to win the Sekirei Game, Mikogami Hayato! Now step away from the ultra-rare Sekirei, I want her for my collection!"

"Yup. Just as conceited as I heard he was."

"What did you just say, you miserable reprobate?" Mutsu growles at me.

...oh shit, did I say that out loud?

"Heh! You tell 'em, Steven! Akitsu is joining _my_ familia, these two can jump in a lake!"

"Ugh. You really need to work on your insults Hestia."

"Hey!" Mikogami yelles, stomping his foot petulantly. "Don't ignore me! The scrapped number is mine!"

Akitsu's eyes were wide now, her head whipping back and forth between both groups.

"Don't call her that! Her name is Akitsu, and she's coming with us!"

"I'll call my property whatever the hell I want you shorty!"

Suddenly, a cold and oppressive aura pressed down upon the clearing. Hestia's face is hidden beneath her hair as she bows her head.

"Shorty, huh? Kukukuku...Steven!"

I gulp, her voice sending chills down my spine even though I wasn't the source of her ire.

"Y-yes Hestia?"

She looked up, _hate_ clear in her eyes.

"Teach this flat-chested little _bitch_ a lesson."

"...you know that's a dude, right?"

"Just kick his ass!"

"Yes ma'am!"

"I won't let you!"

With a roar, Mutsu launches himself at me. I dodge to the side as he swings his sword, the ground rippling beneath his blow.

Righ. Earth powers. He can make localized quakes, right? Good thing I have a counter for that.

The Rooster pulls him up into the air.

"What!?"

Then I pierce his chest with laser beams.

"MUTSU!"

I toss the outclassed Alien to the side like trash, honestly surprised at how overpowered I was compared to him. I guess quantity is a quality all its own.

*Cough!* *Hack!* "Y-young master...get a-away…"

To my surprise, Mutsu begins pushing himself back to his feet.

"Hey, dumbass. In case you haven't noticed, you're done. Leave. Before I kill you _and_ your master."

Hayato spins to face me, fear and anger clear on his face.

"You wouldn't! Sekirei aren't allowed to hurt Ashikabi!"

I stare at him, then I smirk evilly.

"Who the fuck said I was a Sekirei? What? Didn't it occur to you people that Sekirei weren't the only extraterrestrial life out there? What did you think they were running from?"

The child just stares at me for a moment, before taking a fearful step backwards and turning to run.

I look at Mutsu, raising an eyebrow. "Dogs should follow their master home."

He grits his teeth, before stumbling off far faster than a human would manage in that condition.

 **[Fear]**

He went a bit faster after that.

Triumphantly, Hestia turnes to the stunned Akitsu.

"There, we literally just had to fight someone for the right to recruit you. Happy now?"

She could only nod dumbly.


	15. Chapter 15 - Akitsu Worked Out (Lemon)

Disclaimer: All fictional works belong to their respective creators and licensed distributors. I own nothing.

* * *

After returning to my house Hestia had dragged Akitsu off to get cleaned up, ordering me to get some appropriate clothes out for her.

Not gonna lie, assertive Hestia is as scary as she is attractive.

I don't have a kimono _or_ chains, so Akitsu will have to settle for jeans and a large T-shirt. A _way_ too thin one.

We'll have to go clothes shopping soon, Akitsu is at least two feet taller than Hestia and just as busty. I barely had anything that fit the shorter woman, much less our new familia member. At the very least, our next two recruits should more than fit in the things I have here.

When they were finished, Hestia led the now demure Akitsu to the bedroom to officially join the familia. As expected, her massive mammaries strained dangerously against my old shirt.

...would tits on what was essentially a humanoid bird alien even _be_ mammaries? Were they just an aesthetic choice to entice human males, or did Sekirei actually give live birth?

Maybe I'd find out one day, but it wasn't important now. At the very least, not as important as watching her stiff nipples bob with each step. Was it cold in here? I certainly didn't feel it.

"Alright!" Hestia proclaimed, now relaxed and strangely giddy. I guess she was excited about gaining her second familia member. "Now just take of your shirt and lie down!"

"...alright."

Rather than give me time to turn or leave the room, Akitsu immediately pulls her shirt over her head, her perky tits bouncing freely as they were released.

Neither Hestia or I could respond, such was our shock, until Akitsu had laid down on her back and began making bedroom eyes at us.

"I'm ready."

"Hurk!"

I'm ashamed to admit it, but that was me. Hestia, on the other hand, began to stutter wildly before shrieking.

"N-n-n-no! On your stomach, your stomach! I have to draw the falna on your back!"

Akitsu blinked languidly.

"Oh."

She then unceremoniously turned over, one arm tucked under herself to support her now squished boobs.

*Sob!* "Oh no, she's a female Steven…"

"Hey!"

Hestia opted to hop on top of Akitsu rather than face my ire. Biting her finger to draw blood, she set to work blessing my new...sister? Huh, how does that work? Technically, she's adopting us, but other deities have no problem banging their familia members. Then again, these people aren't exactly paragons of moral fortitude…

Ugh. Lets just never try to rationalize this relationship again.

Within a few moments, a vast array of glowing script has been inscribed upon Akitsu's back. However, soon after that Hestia pauses, frowning.

"What's wrong?"

My answer is a dismissive shake of the head, before Hestia begins inspecting the falna more closely and pumping more power into the divine runes.

"...he said it was a psychic block...here?"

What?

Before I can say anything else, what feels like a dam of energy _bursts_. Hestia is knocked off of Akitsu's back and tumbles onto the floor, while I get blown into a wall by the psychic backlash.

"Son of a bitch! A little warning would've been nice!"

"Hey! I didn't know that would happen!"

Ugh. Forget it, up we go.

"What did you even do anyway?"

Hestia scowls at me, though it really comes out as more of a pout.

"I fixed her! You said the problem was some kind of block, so I got rid of it!"

"...you did what?"

Akitsu rose, looking far more menacing than a topless woman standing on a bed has any right to. She was panting, flushed down to the tips of her breasts. She looked at me, and I saw only hunger.

...didn't MBI also adjust the Sekirei so that they only reacted to people with Sekirei genes?

With a literally inhuman roar, Akitsu pounces on me. I try to stand, but my back is to the wall and I'm _literally_ too shocked to think of another way out. In a moment, I stop trying.

Akitsu's lips are soft and full, and her tongue invades my mouth ravenously. Tangling with my own she tries to draw me back between her own lips. Behind her, a great set of icy wings extend and press against the ceiling and walls. I hope they're just psychic projections, because otherwise that looks _extremely_ uncomfortable.

With a very wet noise, Akitsu pulls her lips from mine. Or at least, that's what she attempts to do, but she can only get a few centimeters from me before having to dip back for smaller kisses. It's like she's been starving her entire life, and someone just put a buffet before her.

Which is pretty much exactly what's happening right now. Great.

"Ah, I've finally found you. My Ashikabi...forever and ever."

...I mean, I don't have a _problem_ with that exactly.

I feel a bond forming between us, small and new but when I focus on it I can feel the alien devotion and joy in Akitsu's heart. The woman in question has continued to press her lips against my own, her hips grinding unsubtly against my now painfully erect member.

… **[Calm]** , calm me down right fucking now!

A psychic bullet hits my skull, and I feel a sense of general peace come over me.

"Hestia? Would you mind giving me a hand before I start fucking her through the floor?"

"Eep! A-akitsu! Stop that!"

The goddess runs over to try and pry the amorous Sekirei off of me, only for the ice user to slide a hand up her shirt and begin groping her.

Crap, I think this is too much for one Emotion Bullet to handle.

Hestia moans in shocked pleasure, and Akitsu takes the opportunity to pull _her_ into a kiss as well.

...what.

The two women make out lustily for a full minute, Akitsu continuing to grind her now sopping crotch against me. Then suddenly, Hestia jumps back in shock and runs red faced from the room.

Well crap. Guess I'm on my own.

"Ah, too bad. I guess you'll have to take care of me alone, Steven."

Yay?

My pants are yanked down viciously, and before I can react Akitsu has pulled my cock out and began stroking it lovingly.

"Ah, a penis."

Showing absolutely no shame, Akitsu spends a few moments sniffing my dick and rubbing it against her face like she's trying to mark herself with my scent. Then, she places her lips gently on the weeping tip and slides down to the base.

"Holy fuck!"

Akitsu's mouth and throat feel nothing like a human woman's. They're hotter, wetter, and far more elastic. They stretch just enough to fit my cock while still feeling like a vacuum. A potent reminder that, despite her appearance, Akitsu belongs to a species that are literally built for sex.

Her arms drape around my hips to grab hold of my ass and violently fuck herself on my pole, pulling me into her mouth with bruising force. Taking the hint, I tangle my fingers in her hair and begin fucking her mouth.

A shamefully short amount of time later, I explode down her impossibly tight throat. Her eyes roll back into her skull as my taste floods her mouth, and she begins shaking in orgasm, screaming around my dick.

That's it.

Feeling what little self-control I had left snap, I pick the still shaking woman up and toss her onto the bed. My shirt goes flying as I follow her, and I then pin her beneath me as I slide her tight pants down her legs.

I lift them straight up into the air, her drenched hole is revealed to me, and I waste no time to lap at her slit. Her feet are trapped by my arms and the cloth around her ankles, forcing her to claw helplessly at the mattress as I plunder her surprisingly sweet tasting cunt. I wouldn't go so far as to say it tastes of honey or fruit, but It's definitely different from any human pussy I have ever eaten out. She soon begins shaking in another climax, screaming loudly without my cock to drown out the sound.

I realize that her pussy is probably more sensitive than a human's as well.

The pale blue light of her wings shines out from beneath her back, trapped under our rutting. At the very least, they don't seem to be causing her pain.

Pulling my mouth off, I begin preparing her cunt with long strokes of two fingers.

"Akitsu, where are your panties?"

She shakes and writhes beneath me, desperately trying to kick her pants off of her feet.

"A-ah, I forgot them."

Meeting her eyes, I smirk devilishly.

"Good girl."

Her eyes widen, and she begins screaming as another climax rips through her.

Smiling, I pull her jeans off completely and spread her legs as wide as they will go. Then I line my cock up with her opening, and plunge in.

She stops dead, her muscles locking up completely, the ability to cry out having left her at the sensation of finally joining with her Ashikabi.

Then I begin to _fuck_ her.

She squeals loudly, mewling in pleasure so intense it appears to be almost physically painful for her. I don't let up, using my literally infinite stamina to pound into her over and over. My hands gripping her thighs tight as if to hold on for dear life. Her legs wrap tightly around my hips, and she claws at my back to do the same.

When I finally pour myself into her womb, it feels like I'm cumming for the very first time all over again.

I start round two, only to realize that Akitsu is barely breathing. Her tongue hangs out of her mouth uselessly, and her eyes stare unfocused at the ceiling. The emotional toll alone seems to have knocked her out cold.

...fuck! What am I going to do with this erection now!?

The door squeaks, and I look up to meet Hestia's wide blue eyes.

She has a hand down her pants.

She looks mortified for all of a second, before running away at full speed.

Well. That's going to be awkward. 


End file.
